Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
