I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
