I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
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She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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