It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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