i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
