Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
