Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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