He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
