I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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