woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
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I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
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I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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