I think I died a long time ago.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
