so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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