i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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