like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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