My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
