My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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