Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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