He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
