Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
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I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
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When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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