he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
