I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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