I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
