In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
