Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
