Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
