Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
