why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
