Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
