Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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