yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
