fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
