I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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