I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I am available for nakedness
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
