dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
