May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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