Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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