On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
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You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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