woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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