All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
