she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
