Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
