genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
