Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
