In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Michael Bay diarrhea
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
