The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
