Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
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I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
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Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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