you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
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I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
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My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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