you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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