The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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