Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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