I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
