i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
