No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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