i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
