i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
