i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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