there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
