everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
