I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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