Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
