I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
