I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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