the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
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You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
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My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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